Romance Remastered

Not just another cheesy love-site.

Deleting is Cheating: Infidelity, Sexting and other Naughties

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All is going well in your relationship and it is all flowers and rainbows. But you notice that your SO is being very shady with her phone. Let’s talk about cheating.

Social media like Facebook and Instagram definitely simplify our lives and is probably the main reason why we are still in touch with classmates from kindergarten, an old friend that moved to Madagascar or your cousin’s girlfriend’s neighbour.  But when you are in a relationship making online connections might not be a good idea.

When our grandparents felt the urge to cheat, they would have to meet someone first, like in actual real life. And then they had to do the classic ‘staying late at work’, send a cheeky fire signal to let the side piece know that mainman is around or hide the box with written notes in a far, dark place.

Nowadays, your significant other could be on the sofa watching TV with you while chatting up cousin Harvey’s girlfriend’s neighbour who just added him on Facebook.

We can divide online cheating in two sections. One is the ‘innocent’ cybersex where you just talk about sex and show your stimulated bodyparts to Kai who lives a million miles away in Japan. John Portmann’s In Defense of Sin argues that such activity is more similar to innocuous flirting than to having an actual affair. The other form of online cheating is chatting up people that you are likely to meet up with in real life.  Here is an example given by a Reddit user in research for Aziz Anzari’s Modern Romance.

He started an affair that he simply wouldn’t have had the gumption to start without Facebook. They worked together and were casual acquaintances. One day he looked her up on Facebook and sent her a message asking, “Would you like to get a drink sometime?” Soon after that the affair began

“If Facebook didn’t exist, I doubt I would have gathered the courage to ask her directly. It made the initial step that much easier.”

“Mild, in-person flirtation is often fleeting and superficial, but when communication extends to social media, texts, and email, your partner becomes available 24/7 for temptation and increased emotional connection” Psychology Today, 2014

How come we are so quickly to be tempted into having an affair via social media? (Apart from the fact that we are all sex-mad, genitals-following zombies.)

According to Affair Recovery, a few of the reasons are:

  1. Accessibility: The Internet provides access to people we would probably not rub elbows with in our normal life.
  2. The Online Disinhibition Effect: Due to the invisibility provided by the Internet, people are less inhibited and will say or do things online they would never speak or do to someone in person. (Yas, you finally dare to send a message to that fit bird that always comes to spinning class on Tuesdays)
  3. The Illusion of Secrecy: This allows for my own self-gratification. No one will ever know I’m living a secret life and fulfilling my fantasies while living as a married person.
  4. Escapism: The fact that one can seemingly escape the responsibilities of real life like bills, mood swings, deadlines, mortgages etc, provides a context of fantasy and escapism.

In the Netherlands there is even a datingsite for cheaters: “Find you Second Love Here” – for which adverts are blatantly shown on primetime TV, lol, all hail the Dutch’s guts.

The rise of Snapchat, Instagram and Twitter’s Direct Messaging feature, it is all too easy to cross the line. But because the lines are so blurred, it is hard to determine when something can be regarded as cheating. Of course, the jealousy level of your partner plays a big deal. I know some guys that will freak out when their woman likes another man’s  picture.

It all comes down to how you use it. Spoons and forks don’t make people fat, using them to put food in your mouth d
oes. Social media does not cause break-ups. People that use it do.

Now, I have to admit that I am quite a jealous person but it seems reasonable to say that everything that comes with and after deleting, is cheating.

And boy, best believe that things are going from a 0 to a 100 real quick if I notice even one of these signs. Clothes out of the window.

And that’s probably why I’m single.

First world problems: Making it Facebook Official

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You’ve finally found ‘The One’ (and he/she always responds to your texts!), and it’s all sugar and spice and everything nice. But now the next concern you and your fluffer face: Should we make it Facebook Official?

For most of us social media is our primary source of news. Even if I just have a quick scroll through my feed I know whether it will be raining today, who got engaged to who, what stupid thing president-elect Trump tweeted last night, that there are still Southern rail strikes *sigh*, or that Jenny’s pet tortoise died last night. Using Facebook to find out stuff is undoubtedly inevitable for our generation and there seems to be a belief that events are not official until they are on Facebook.

Hence why changing your relationship status to “In a relationship (with…)” and declaring your newfound love, A.K.A. making it “Facebook Official”, seems like a code of conduct that must be followed.

“Changing Facebook relationship status has, for better or worse, joined first date, first kiss, first night together, exclusivity talk, and first “I love you” on the list of important relationship milestones.” Samuel Axon, Mashable (2010).

According to research done by HerCampus.com, the most important reasons for making it Facebook Official were to show that you are committed, to show that you haven’t got anything to hide, and to just show off online. And because it is probably quite cool to know that your idiot ex now knows that she has lost your **** forever.  Oh and also, it is cool when you get like, two hundred likes and “Aahw cute, congratulations!!” comments. To summarize that: we make it Facebook Official due to the significance of external validation.

“For anyone who has ever “gone Facebook Official” with a partner, there is an undeniable sense of significance to it. This sense of significance may be accompanied by drama, anxiety, elation, dread, or any number of other complicating emotions, but the recurrent theme appears to be around significance.” – Lincoln & Robards (2016)

I’m sure all of us have done it at least once in our life. However, in the past two to three years there has been a massive decline in the number of couples that still confirm their relationship status on Facebook: Buzzfeed Poll results in 2015 showed that 40% of the twenty-something year olds would not put their relationship status online. There are various reasons for not wanting to make it FB Official:

  1. Keeping your personal information private. Not everybody has to know your business. Also, that way no one can put a juju on your precious relationship. (I blame my superstitious upbringing for this)
  2. You basically open the door for shitstirrers.
  3. It shows little autonomy and space. Like, why would you even want your Facebook page knotted with your SO’s?
  4. No one cares.
  5. Breaking up -if you break up- is literally going to be the equivalent of a Manchester United press conference.

Imagine a year after the switch, and after constantly having gushed about your partner online and having done all the cheesy things that a very lovedazed person does, you have to change your status back to ‘single’ because it turns out your lover was still chatting others up or something? And BAM, the quassi-sympathetic-texts-from-people-who-just-want-to-know-what-happened-tap is open and your fairytale has basically just become Sharon and Steve’s dinnertable gossip because you choose to publicize your relationship in the first place.

Hell, I remember the way I had to live out my terrible break up online in the Facebook heydays. If doing it in the public eye wasn’t enough, I was not even aware of the relationship being officially over until my ex unobtrusively decided to make his singleness Facebook Official. (Shameless Propaganda: More on that in my vlog so keep an eye open for that too!)

Thankfully I’m not the only one that has gone through that experience. In her article, Sofia Barrett tells her FBO story: “A few days pass and he changes his status from “In a Relationship with Sofia Barrett-Ibarria” to “Single.” People “liked” it. People wrote comments. Some girl wrote something on his page to the effect of “Hey, boo, miss you.” I officially wanted to crawl in a hole and just not come out. Ever.”

So, that was that. I might sound like a Negative Nancy but I honestly haven’t got anything against relationships or displaying them on Facebook. I can appreciate a cute picture of a loved up couple on a tropical island. But sometime’s the best way to enjoy things is in privacy.

However, if making it Facebook Official is up your lane, then by all means do it. I will not forget to bring my popcorn when the drama unfolds.

No response: Read 11.30 AM.

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So, you have finally found someone interesting and attractive enough to go on a date with. But two days later you find yourself anxiously staring at your phone as if you are tied to a grenade and an incoming text is the only thing that can save you. Why is he/she not bloody texting back?

Let’s rewind. The night of your date is there, you dress up, shave, look the nicest you can and prepare to be the most charming you can be. The food is great, the cosmopolitans and pints are flowing and you two are chatting and laughing the night away. At the end of the night you both agree to seeing each other again.

Then you are faced with the biggest generation Z concern: How do you communicate further? Obviously, with all the technology the options are endless. You could easily send a message on Facebook, call, send a Morse code signal. But the easy option is to send a text, so you do that: Cool and laidback like the person you are. “Hi, I had so much fun last night. We should meet up again soon. Halo next Friday? Skepta is performing X”. You are a 100% positive that you had a good connection, so you wait… And wait… And wait…No response. You go through a rollercoaster of emotions: Disappointment, anger, sadness, panic. You start questioning your internet coverage, it must be something with the 3G. Or maybe he died? Even if the case was that the other was not interested, they would probably be polite enough to just tell you right? How can someone be SO rude? Did your text contain a lot of typos? WHAT HAPPENED.

We probably all have been there. Or on the other side.

With the rise of technology, there are so many new rules and it has all gotten way to stressful. “Not texting back right away” is probably the most frequently given dating advice E V E R.

“You like him? Don’t text him!” 

“Text Game: Be the man who doesn’t reply!” 

It does make sense to not text back right away: It shows that you are busy living your own life. But apparently there is also a scientific explanation for it.

Reward Uncertainty

According to the Handbook of Reward and Decision making, Reward uncertainty is the term for the unpredictability of the likeliness of receiving a reward. This increases the interest in receiving the reward.

In Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance this has been put in the context of texting.

If a text back from someone is considered a “reward,” consider the fact that lab animals who get rewarded for pushing a lever every time will eventually slow down because they know that the next time they want a reward, it will be waiting for them. So basically, if you are the guy or girl who texts back immediately, you are taken for granted and ultimately lower your value as a reward. As a result, the person doesn’t feel as much of an urge to text you or, in the case of the lab animal, push the lever.

This has all turned into a big issue due to the ever-developing technology. I’m pretty sure my grandmother was not freaking out if my grandfather did not return her loveletter within 0.01 second.

“When you’re texting with someone you’re attracted to, someone you don’t really know yet, it’s like playing a slot machine: There’s a lot of uncertainty, anticipation, and anxiety. Your whole system is primed to receive a message back. You want it—you need it—right away, and if it doesn’t come, your whole system is like, ‘Aaaaah!’ You don’t know what to do with the lack of response, the unresolved outcome.” Natasha Schull, anthropologist.

There it is. All the scientific reasons why he did not text you back or why you are not texting her back. But quit playing games. Dating in this moden era is already exhausting enough – I’ve even had to master the art of using the exact amount of words in my replies. We all just want to be happy. So regardless of what science says, go and text that person back and have a good time!forgot